


Something is missing when a house is no more a home

by MorganeUK



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Best Friends, M/M, My First Fanfic, No Mary, Post-Reichenbach, Season 3 episode 2 alternative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-01 17:48:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10926906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganeUK/pseuds/MorganeUK
Summary: Few weeks after The Return, Sherlock still do not feels at ease in is beloved 221b. The friendship that John offers after the "bomb with an off switch" drama looks like a simulacre to Sherlock and pale in comparaison of the fulness of their lifes before.





	1. Someone to talk to

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my native language, not even my day-to-day one, so it can be challenging! 
> 
> Many thanks to *notjustmom* for the revision, you're the best!
> 
> Sherlock characters are created and owned by the BBC & Conan Doyle and I do not claim any ownership over them.

Weeks... it's been weeks... Weeks since Sherlock returned from the dead and found that his life as he knows it is no more there for him. The comfort of John's presence now only a souvenir. Strong and always present in his thoughts and saved forever in the brightest room of his Mind Palace... but a souvenir of the past nevertheless.

For God sakes, some night, it seems as if even his dear 221b is against him and wishes him dead! The skull back on the mantle and all of his familiar things can't bring peace anymore to his trouble mind. Sherlock, with a flourish of his blue dressing gown, roughly spreads his tall frame on the sofa. He can't keep down a scream as the rough material presses on his destroyed back not yet fully healed... "Now that is new, even the furniture don't want me now!" Sherlock mumble trying to ease the pain by massaging his back.

He paces impatiently in the room, not knowing what to do now. He could... talk to someone? His brother maybe? But he's still mad about the days that Mycroft took to get him out of the 'Serbia 5 stars torture chamber'; Call on NSY? Not possible as he's not yet legally able to join Greg on a case (Greg, that's new and probably the consequence of being mentally tortured! Sherlock internally snarls); He could go down to see Ms Hudson. But she's worst than his mother and will only fuss and cry and push him to eat more; Maybe Molly could bring some body parts and he could do some experiments? But he quickly pushed that idea. He has seen enough blood and gore while he was away. The eye ball in the fridge is far enough for now.

And John... John... After the eventful days that followed his return he seems to accept him back in his life but the hurt is still there in the doctor eyes, hidden away under false sentiments. Sherlock can see it by the way he acts around him. As if he does not want to trust him or invest in him anymore. As if something was definitely broken beyond any possible repairs.

"Time heals everything." Ms Hudson said the other day.

But Sherlock knows that, even if he refused to talk about what happen when he was away, his doctor is nearly broken and won't let him come to close anymore in fear of the final blow. The situation was definitaly and strongly not good, Sherlock though with a mental nod to his ex-blogger.

"Would be nice if I had the right to explain!" Sherlock said outloud with an exasperated yet sad tone. A curious "Explain what?" come from the apartment door. Sherlock turn slowly, already knowing who's voice it is...

"John", Sherlock falsely cheerfully says, "what brings you here?"


	2. Someone who cares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why everything is always so complicated?

 

Even if Sherlock was a bloody good actor, John saw behind the fake smile and flinch at his friend words. 

"I mean... you are welcome anytime... It just that isn't a weekday aren't you at the surgery?... Wait ...is it Saturday?"  Sherlock babbled. Nice job playing cool,  he said in his head, baffle by his inability to talk like an adult!

"Today is Friday... God! Mrs. Hudson is right you are losing it! "  John said with a derisive laugh. Then he waited a few seconds before talking again, as if he needed to find the strength... "Seriously, are you alright?" 

His voice, warm but full of concern, went directly to Sherlock's heart, melting a thin layer of the ice that surrounded it. The feeling of having someone truly aware of his presence and his moody feelings was nearly too much after days of loneliness... Voluntary it's true, but loneliness still. But wait ,it can't be concern as John does not care for him anymore. A quick look in his eyes shows nothing of the uneasiness that was a constant shadow since The Return. John's eyes were suprisingly warm but full of worry with a hint of anticipation. 

"Yeah"  Sherlock said with a dismissive tone "you know how it is... work work work !"  adding a big theatrical gesture with his arms to distract from the lie. Just one more lie... it's nothing compare to all the rest. A little white lie to keep John content that Sherlock is not causing trouble and that there's nothing wrong.

"We haven't heard from you in days and Mrs Hudson - you know how she is! - called me yesterday and asked me to come and check..."  John said.

Sherlock stopped listening and went to the kitchen to prep an experiment then put the kettle on. Tea, John always needs tea, Sherlock though. Satisfied to focus on the menial tasks instead of the reason why John is in the flat. Not for him, not because he want to, but to check on him on behalf on someone else... But who knows, maybe it's possible to start over!  Lost in is mind, he didn't realize that John is now near the kitchen table, fidgeting with his coat as if not knowing if he can remove it and sit in one of the chairs. Like he does not belong in the flat anymore. 

"You can sit dow... I have not put anything overly disgusting on the chairs!"  Sherlock said with a hint of exasperation. What's the point of having John here if he's not here. Not even in 221b on his own accord but on behalf of someone else that still cares about him. "You know you may just have sent a text if you're so uncomfortable in the flat where you lived 2 years!"  he said unable to contain his burgeoning anger toward the situation.

Why is everything always so complicated!!!  they thought simultaneously, with the addition of few swearwords on John's side.

Why indeed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I kind of know where I'm going with this I promise lol


	3. Someone who understands

 

An uncomfortable silence followed Sherlock's outburst.

John, feeling even more out of place, was seriously thinking he should just leave at once.  Anyway. his mission was accomplished, Sherlock was looking as arrogant as before! But a nagging impression was forcing his feet to remain in place. Arrogant, yes, but also thinner, stiffer and something that John can't put words to. Grounded on the floor of what was once their kitchen, more laboratory then kitchen usually John thought with an inner smile, a flash of recognition passed through his mind: worried.  That was the feeling that emanated from his former flat mate. Beside the usual loftiness and a false air of bravado, Sherlock Holmes is worried. 

He looks back to Sherlock who was now fussing with mugs, sugar and tea. "We don't have any milk." Sherlock says mindlessly, as if talking to himself.  The comforting sound of the familiar statement and the use of the pronoun 'we' sends a wave of warmth to John heart.  Maybe not everything is lost. Time to start everything from the beginning.

"Sherlock... You know that we all care about you a lot. That I care about you." the doctor said softly not knowing what to say to avoid another outburst from the detective.

"If something is causing you worries, you CAN tell us. Sometimes we just don't know how to show you that we care and to be there if needed because you... you are... hum... sometimes... kind of act like..."

Sherlock curt voice cut John's speech "Let me help you John, Like a freak? psychopath? unfeeling bastard?"

"No," the older man said softly, "like you don't realize how important you are to us all."  _To me_   John add silently.

Silence falls in the flat, at the exception of the boiling water in the kettle. Sherlock turns his back once more to put the water into the mugs and adds a few spoons of sugar to his tea.  He gives John the other mug, careful not to drop any of it because of his now shaking hands and finally sits down, looking exhausted and defeated.

"How can you say that John, I left you to grieve... you... for 2 years. Never realizing that my action may hurt people that I considered friends." He drinks his tea for few minutes, thinking about those days before The Fall. "It's true that I was sincerely thinking that nobody will miss me... not really and that I was doing you all a favor to stop the media frenzy that surrounded our lives following the accusation that I was a fraud." His voice was soft and teary. As if he was dismissively pushing away his own distress at that time. As if his own suffering,  was less important... This defeated attitude hurt John more than any snarky comment!

"Sherlock, we miss you... I... I miss you so much. How can you think that whatever the reasons for your death, fake or not, that we wouldn't miss you terribly?"  He pauses, considering what can and what cannot be said. "I was miserable for so long, I know that I acted like a bastard and knocked you down when you showed yourself at that restaurant while I was trying to start a new life after years of sorrows... but I was so angry when I saw you with that silly crayon mustache.  At you... At Mycroft for all the lies... but if I am honest with myself I was angry mostly at myself... Because I should have known better than to believe that you could, just like that, have left us, left me..." 

John voice breaks on the last word, unsure of what to say next. He looks in Sherlock eyes, fascinated as always by the changing colors, and says,"I am ready now to listen, please explain to me what really happened, I want to understand..."


	4. Someone to love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally start to talk... Or more precisely Sherlock talks and John listens.

It was the question Sherlock was waiting for.

To finally get a chance to explain everything clearly and matter-of-factly after the blunder of their first meeting post-Fall. Reply honestly and without drama to the "I wanna know why" question that John asked that night. No gimmick, no smoke screen, just the truth. Now that John was over (Sherlock sincerely hoped!) the mechanic and people behind the  **how,**  it's now the time to talk again about the  **why**...

"Uh... as I already told you... it was a mind game between Moriarty and me. He wanted to destroy my reputation, my life, my..."  Sherlock pause and look away longing for the peace his violin may hold "... heart. Even if we all know that I don't have one" Sherlock added carelessly. John let the lie go and chose to let Sherlock continue without interruption. His turn will come later.

"Realising that he can't trust his self around me, sentiment, probably... _boring_ , Moriarty choose to kill himself instead of giving me an opportunity to negotiate the withdrawal of the snipers that were following Lestrade, Mrs. Hudson... and you. As you now know, the only option left to save you all was to jump and fake my suicide."

It was all old news for John, but he was good to listen to it calmly after weeks of doubts, anger and a deep feeling of uneasiness. He chose once again to stay silent. This is Sherlock's turn to talk after 2 years of... who knows what happened to him while he was away? With no one to talk to but Mycroft. John realised that it was no holiday, he's seen enough soldiers in his life to comprehend some of Sherlock's actions and general attitude, but to start everything again on a right path he needs to know everything. The only way he'll be able to build back the trust that was there before. Because even with the drugs in the coffee, the omissions, the drug bust etc, John deeply trusted Sherlock with his life.

From what he understands now, The Fall was just another misguided proof of how much Sherlock cares.

Sherlock came back from wherever his Mind had gone and started to talk again, explaining how it was mandatory to remain secret for their protection. Skimming over what happened while he chased after Moriarty web by saying "I've found all Moriarty gang members and I put them out of business...Then I came back when I was able to do so without risking your lives. That's all. I came back as soon as it was safe for you, I promise..."  the tired man said, his voice empty of smugness. He add with a sad smile, to be certain that John understands "It wasn't a grand holiday."

He choose to stay silent on the extent of the permanent way he used to put them out of business or how he was captured a few times. The noise of the dogs, the bullets grazing his skin, the last time in Serbia... He was still so tired. Physically and mentally. He don't want John to find him lacking of stamina or doubting his morality. Even worse, judging him because he wasn't able to escape his torturer. To think that Mycroft had to came to rescue him. Mycroft! Sherlock let go a profound sigh.

John looked at his former flat mate, hoping to be able to regain the friendship but not knowing what to say to erase the sorrows and worries that pull down Sherlock's figure. "That's all what I can say for now." Sherlock said standing up to position his tall frame near the window. "It was like a 2 years case, the exception being that no one will know how superb I was because my blogger was not there..." The dismissive tone couldn't cast away the sadness in his eyes.

Taking up his violin,  _yeah that's good I must DO something with my hands_ , he cradled it... softly plucking the strings without even being conscious of the actions of his fingers.

"Would you play for me?" John says softly in the hope that a change of discussion will bring back Sherlock from his reverie.

The detective put his precious violin under his chin without thinking, the movement of his arm sending arrows in his back, the pain still vivid even though weeks have passed.

"Sherlock! Are you ok?" John stands and run near the man. 

"Yes, yes... don't worry. I would love to play for you, but I don't think I can' right now. It's been a long time and my arms are no longer used to the movement..."  Sherlock mutters before carefully putting down the Stradivarius, devastated by the opinion that John must have of him.

_What a nice and poetic metaphor of my life_ , he thought laughing at the sappy romantic he has become. _I love you, but I can't. My heart is not used to it_. Gosh, even his violin is conspiring against him.


	5. Someone who loves back

 

The look of sadness in Sherlock's eyes and the way he moves away from him after he closes the violin case was enough for John... This must stop, now!

"Sherlock, I've listened, I was ready and now I understand... I'm still pissed at what you've done - God you must know that I would have jumped with you if needed! - but I understand that you thought it was the only option." The doctor pauses, looking in the eyes of the man in front of him, wanting to close the distance between them.

"Don't think I am not able to realize, even if you deny it, how hard it was during the last 2 years..." Sherlock turns his head toward the window to look at the street below "... I was in the army! I know the kind of guerilla you dealt with. Moriarty tugs were probably not all morons and even at your best sometimes you are a bit... reckless with your... transport." at that the detective give him a little smirk that encourages John to continue "You know... when I think back to that night at the restaurant, when I tackled you on the floor, images are running in my mind. The champagne, your fake mustache, my hands... fists..., the surprise in your eyes when you realised I wasn't thrilled by your return..."

"I know now that it was presumptuous to think that you were waiting for me at Baker Street. I had no right to intrude on your personal life... You owe me nothing." Sherlock interrupts with a hint of melancholy.

"You saved me Sherlock! In saving my life, you conferred a value on it. It is a currency I didn't know how to spend while you were away... I will for the rest of my life be in your debt..." his voice breaks "I can help you heal if you let me, I can listen to what ever you want to say, I'll never judge you. How can I? It was my fault... I wasn't there to protect you and you were hurt because of me... ME!" 

They look in each others' eyes for a moment, not knowing what to say or if any more words are needed.

"Tea! It's getting cold'" Sherlock says quickly while walking back to the kitchen. John follows him without any doubt now and sits at the table looking at the experiment in front of him.

Sherlock looks at the Bunsen burner with a glint of sparkle in his eyes "Molly gave me an eye few days ago, I want to check the progression of damages on the optic nerve when submitted to a strong heat." he says while looking with hope at the fridge... "Go ahead, I'm curious now!" John says with a bright smile, giving his I-hope-soon-to-be-again-best-friend some space before continuing the much needed conversation. Sherlock gest the eyeball from his container, quickly starts the burner and puts on his goggles with an expert movement.

In his excitement of having John near and on the verge of getting back his only true friend if he plays his cards right, the eyeball falls from the tweezers directly into John's mug.  _Shit_ , John thought. _Ok that's it...We won't be able to act normal as long as this situation is not resolved_  "Hum... Mind if I interrupt?" John asks.

"Be my guest. Tea?"'

John not so curiously declines Sherlock offer. After a few seconds to collect his thoughts, John says with a quiet smile, "So. The big question. What now? Best friend. The place is still available you know."

"Best friend?" 

"What do you think? For me, MY best friend!" 

"Oh, right. Gavin?"

"Who?" 

"Gavin Lestrade? He’s a friend, and good at it. Pub, beer, football and everything..." 

"It’s Greg. And he’s not my best friend." 

"Oh, Mike Stamford, I see. Well, he’s nice, though I’m not sure how well he’d cope with all your drama and such..."

"No, Mike’s great, but he’s not my best friend. Now, work with me Sherlock, please..."

Sherlock pauses, trying to determine if he forgot someone... _Molly no, she's sweet and all, but no match for John's vivacity and strong character_.

"Look, Sherlock, this is one of the most important times of my life. A new beginning..." Sherlock makes a funny, dubious face "No, it is! It is, and I want to start a new with the person that I love and care about most in the world."

"Yes..."  _Since when John is such a drama queen... Go ahead tell me who will fill the void of your life now you don't want to be a real part of mine!_

"So... you."

Sherlock stays perfectly immobile. Computing what John has just said. He looks back at John.

"So, in fact ... You... you mean ... I’m your... best... friend?" 

"Yeah, ’course you are. ’Course you’re my best friend."

Absently, Sherlock took the eyeballed-mug in front of him and drinks. John smiles and watches, waiting for Sherlock's reaction.

"Well, how was that?" 

"Surprisingly okay!"

They both start to giggle without being able to stop, the first step was behind them and the rest will come in time if it's meant to be...

 

In the flat below, Mrs. Hudson is looking at the ceiling with a fond smile.

"I told you, time heals everything..."  she said, as the laughter of her boys travels down to her living room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouf! Done!
> 
> First ever fanfic so sorry about the quirkiness and such :-)
> 
> Many thanks again to notjustmom who spotted many errors!
> 
> Thanks to the marvelous Ariane De Vere for the transcript of the "Eyeball" dialog in S3.2 http://arianedevere.livejournal.com/ (That I change a little to fit my storyline)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A secret mission](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11900751) by [MorganeUK](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganeUK/pseuds/MorganeUK)




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